Self-Care 101

Who is teaching us how to stop working when we are stressed—how to breathe and take care of our own mental health so we can continue to do essential work?

I sat slumped in my chair at my classroom desk, tears of frustration streaming down my face.

My classroom looked like a tornado had touched down in its center—chairs misplaced and papers with unsolved math problems strewn about the floor. It was only 2:30 in the afternoon. That meant my students and I still had 30 long, painful minutes until the day was over—30 minutes of me trying to do the impossible: help my students understand four subjects and complete homework while they bickered with one another. Trying to do what I thought was right left me feeling exhausted, defeated, and disconnected.

I did not get into teaching to feel that way day in and day out. Like almost every educator I’ve ever met, I started teaching because I wanted to help children learn. I became a special education teacher because I was prepared to be the last stand, the educator who swooped in to help students overcome all their doubts, fears, insecurities, and learning disabilities. My responsibilities sat heavily on my shoulders. I only had 30 minutes a day to work with my students. It was never enough time. Hours of planning didn’t help, and my stress was impacting my life. This is my story, but I’ve heard versions of it from many educators.

If you are feeling like this and not really tuning into what you need, how are you able to teach, parent, coach, be a friend, or show up for your partner at night? Short answer: You can’t. Educators struggle A LOT when it comes to taking care of themselves. Why is this? I’ve heard plenty of reasons. What are yours? Do you believe you need to always focus on helping others? Do you think self-care is selfish or that you don’t have the time? Whatever reasons you give aren’t enough. Putting off this work needs to stop. You need to make yourself a priority right now.

We can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.

—Brené Brown

Mindset Matters

Why did you get into education? You might answer along the lines of wanting to help people, be there for children, be the effective teacher you never had, lead a group of teachers to empower students to change the world, etc. What you’ll likely find in your answer is the idea that humans want to help other humans learn. A life of service is a very noble pursuit, but it’s also very exhausting if you are not taking care of yourself first.

We teach children how to get along, to share, to not bully, and to be kind, but who is teaching us how to stop working when we are stressed—how to breathe and take care of our own mental health so we can continue to do essential work? The only person who is going to take care of YOU is YOU.

In 2017, researchers at the University of Michigan found that 93 percent of teachers experience high job-related stress (Riley, 2018). It is a hard time to be in education. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t still take care of yourself. In fact, think of this section as your survival guide. The practices described here are what you need to do each day in order to function, and the goal is to not just survive, but thrive. Let’s decide right now that you ARE worthy of love and care, and you can give yourself that love and care.

Mindful Breathing

During moments of chaos, stop whatever you are doing and do something kind for yourself. It’s easy. All you do is breathe. Breathing—that thing we think we don’t need to think about—can be a lifeline.

Steps

Notice your body.
Relax your muscles.
Close your eyes.
Bring attention to your breath.
Inhale deeply and hold for five seconds, then exhale slowly.
Repeat five times.
Ease back into what you were doing before this exercise.
Have faith. Keep breathing.

Self-Compassion

Researcher Dr. Kristin Neff (who literally wrote the book on self-compassion, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself), believes that self-compassion is not selfish. Rather, it’s an essential component of being human, and being human means it’s OK to struggle and we are not alone in that struggle. Neff references three components of self-compassion: self-kindness, mindfulness, and common humanity.

Let’s unpack that. Imagine you are sitting in a staff meeting and you reach for your pen to take notes, and you spill coffee all over the place. You are trying to quietly clean it up, but you end up disrupting the whole meeting. As this is happening, you might be thinking, “I’m so stupid. I never do anything right. I’m a failure.” We would never say such terrible things to a friend, so why do we talk to ourselves like that? It’s a hard pattern to stop, but the first step is to give yourself permission to be human and to honor that you are worthy of love and care. Neff would advise that in those moments, instead of practicing negative self-talk, you should take a deep breath and give yourself some grace. Now let’s reimagine the scenario. You spill your coffee. Maybe you think, “Oops! Everyone makes mistakes. There’s more coffee in the staff room.” That’s what you would tell a student or a colleague, right? You need to speak to yourself with the same optimism and kindness.

Visit Neff’s website for worksheets and other self-compassion resources.

Self-Compassion.org

Taking Time

We all have the same 24 hours in the day, and if you do not make or take time for you, it will be taken by something or someone else. Even if you need to wake up an hour earlier than your family to exercise, journal, or just have some quiet time, it’s worth it! You are the most important person in your life, and if you are not claiming time for you, then you won’t have it. It is NOT selfish to “fill your own cup”—to take time for you.

Please don’t confuse sitting on the couch watching the news while also scrolling through social media as self-care. It’s not. Those are examples of checking out. There is a difference between focused, intentional time for yourself and checking out or numbing. Self-care is being intentional about what you might need and giving it to yourself—and about NOT JUDGING what you might need. For example, you love to exercise (learn more about the benefits of exercise here), but you haven’t “found time” to fit it into your schedule. Change your routine. Start tomorrow by waking up 30 minutes early and going for a 30-minute walk. It does not have to be more complicated than that.

It is NOT selfish to ‘fill your own cup’— take time for you.

Adam’s Story: Remembering His Spark

I met Adam, a sixth grade special education teacher, when he came up to me after my presentation about the power of human connection, “Connection Cure: 5 Mind Shifts to Re-Humanize Education.”

After thanking me, Adam explained that he loved his job, but he had been working later and later to meet all his students’ needs. He felt the harder he worked, the more his students would learn, but his approach started to take a toll on his well-being and his relationships. He stopped going to the gym in the evenings and started ordering fast food on the way home. His energy was depleted, and he would come home feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, leaving him unable to spend quality time with his wife. Every day, Adam felt frustrated, grumpy, and uninspired.

Adam told me that my energy and humor helped spark something inside of him that had been dormant for a long time. I had reminded him how much he had loved connecting and having fun with his students and had helped him feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. He vowed to change and thanked me for giving him permission to believe that he mattered just as much as his students.

Two months later, Adam emailed me an update about his progress. He told me that he was going to the gym again and had started a gratitude practice with his students: At the end of each day, they had to write down three things they were grateful for. This activity helped Adam feel more in sync with his students and able to build better relationships with them. Adam also shared that by focusing on self-care and gratitude, he was able to better prioritize his relationship with his wife.